Meet the Brother Or Nephew, Whichever You Prefer
by INMH
Summary: For the love bingo challenge, prompt "Wild Card Introduction to the Family ". The only relatively sane member of Tess's family has a few questions for Emil.


Meet the Brother (Or Nephew, Whichever You Prefer)

**Rating:** PG-13/T

**Genre:** Family/Humor/Romance

**Summary:** For the love_bingo challenge, prompt "Wild Card (Introduction to the Family)". The only relatively sane member of Tess's family has a few questions for Emil.

**Author's Note:** YESH, I had to do it. The scenario was in my head, and I was thinking "Please, _please_ let there be a slot for something involving meeting the family", and there _was_ and I was _happy._

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Smallville. It belongs to Jerry Siegal, Joe Shuster and the CW.

()()

All things considered, it wasn't going badly.

It would be a bit of a stretch to say that things were going _well_, but they weren't going badly either.

Conner had spent the last fifteen minutes just… _Staring_ at Emil. Staring. There was no malice in it, no aggression or irritation. But there was also no curiosity, no amusement- Emil, who was usually pretty good at reading people, was slightly alarmed to find that he had no idea what was going on in Conner's head at all.

_This could be problematic._

They were at the Kent farm for Thanksgiving. Oliver and Chloe were due to show up at any given moment. Martha and Clark were somewhere talking, and Lois and Tess were in the kitchen: Lois attempting to cook, and Tess being horrified at what apparently passed for eatable food in Lois's mind.

Emil was in the living room with Conner. And, as mentioned, the young Lex-Luthor-Clark-Kent-Genetic-Love-Child (as Lois had dubbed him, particularly in the moments when he worked on her nerves) had been more or less silent, staring at him. Emil had briefly met Conner twice before, and recalled both instances to be rather pleasant.

"So… Conner. How's school?" He asked. Conner nodded slowly.

"Not bad." Flat tone. No expression. Emil thought he was pretty stout, but Conner was kind of freaking him out.

More silence followed, save for the ever-entertaining Lois and Tess banter in the kitchen ("No part of a carrot should be _blue_, Lois!"). Emil eventually sat down, where the staring continued. He considered going into the kitchen under the pretense of helping Tess and Lois, but didn't want to make Conner think he was alarmed by him. From what Clark and Tess had told him, Conner was already struggling with the very-much-not-like-anyone-else issue. He didn't want to hurt his feelings.

…But the staring was really, really creepy.

It was maybe ten minutes before Conner finally spoke up unprompted.

"So… _Emil_." Emil's attention was briefly grabbed by a sudden motion from Tess: She had whipped her head back towards them, and was now shooting Conner a glare made of pure daggers.

"Conner." A warning- Tess must have been listening and waiting for Conner to speak, because she hadn't paid them any mind for a while. Emil's eyes jumped back to Conner, whose expression was surprisingly passive.

"What are your intentions towards my half-sister-slash-half-aunt?"

"_Conner!_" Tess snapped. Lois had already started laughing, and Emil could see something smoking in the sink behind her.

"Tess, Emil, did you tell him about the tape-"

"_ShutupLois!_" Tess hissed. "Conner, I _warned_ you before we even came-"

"It's all right, Tess," Emil said quickly, eyes darting between the two and trying to decide who was more intimidating (Normally Tess was automatically one of the most intimidating people in the room at any given time). "I don't mind answering some questions."

Okay. The staring was creepy, but the smile now spreading across the teenager's face was positively terrifying. "Good."

"Conner." Tess pointed at him with a knife. "I'm warning you. _Don't say anything you might regret_."

"Of course not, Tess." That smile was not reassuring. Emil tried for a serene one, but felt that it came out more as a weak grimace.

"So… What would you like to know, Conner?"

"Your intentions."

Emil glanced at Tess, who had turned away for a moment to address whatever was smoking in the sink (which seemed to have grown worse). "What exactly do you mean by my 'intentions'?"

"Intentions as in where is it going, how is it going, do you plan on getting freaky with her in an undignified fashion-"

Lois had to grab the edge of the counter to stop herself from falling to the ground with mirth, whereas Tess picked up a wooden spoon and launched it at her younger brother-slash-nephew's head. She missed, but followed it up with "There will be no questions about our sex life, Conner!"

"So you confirm that you _do_ have one."

"I will ask Clark to give you triple the chores. _I'm not kidding!_"

That seemed to have some kind of effect, because Conner's eyes popped slightly. "Uh, you are only required to answer the first two parts of that question."

Emil suddenly had the urge for a strong drink, and began to wonder when the alcohol was going to be put out. "I intend to continue seeing your sister- and or aunt- as I have been for the last two months, and we'll see where it goes from there."

"Do you have a job, Emil?"

"I'm a doctor." Now Emil was starting to suspect that he was being jerked around a bit, because if Conner knew anything about him, he _had_ to know that he was a doctor. Aside from being a technology buff and scientist, it was more or less his staple contribution to the team. It was certainly something Tess probably would have mentioned in conversation.

"And where do you work?"

"Metropolis General Hospital, as well as some of the free clinics around the city."

"And what kind of things do you do there?"

"Emergency work, surgery, primarily."

"Surgery." The way Conner seized on that word sent alarms going off in Emil's head, and he had a feeling that it was going to go somewhere.

"Yes, surgery."

"I don't suppose that surgery involves harvesting organs and selling them on the black market, does it?" They both looked to the right as Tess slammed the cutlery she'd been working with down on the counter, glaring at Conner. Lois was snickering wildly.

"Yeah, Emil's one hell of an organ harvester. You don't think Oliver supplies all the funds for the Watchtower, do you?"

"_Stop helping, Lois._"

"No, Conner, I don't harvest organs." Yes, he was definitely getting jerked around. But this was Tess's brother… Or nephew, whatever… And given that he was her only "family" so to speak, he needed to make a good impression. If nothing else, he had to show he could roll with the punches.

"Have you ever been sued for malpractice?" Tess looked like she wanted to veto that one, but it must have _just_ slipped over the bar of what she considered to be decent. Though to be fair, Tess looked like she wanted to veto the entire conversation altogether.

"No, I have not."

"Hm." Conner was silent for a few minutes, and out of the corner of his eye Emil could see Tess relax a bit. He, however, was not even slightly under the impression that the conversation was over. "Ever been convicted of a felony?"

"No."

"Misdemeanor?"

"No."

"Ever been arrested for anything at all?"

"Only for associating with Oliver during the VRA incident. In my defense, Tess and Lois were arrested too."

"Were we even formally arrested?" Lois asked, currently in the process of trying to suction something out of the sink drain.

"All I know is that they interrogated us, and then took Emil and I to a storage room to be shot." Tess said, hands up. Emil suddenly found himself longing for that interrogation and near-death incident with Trotter; it would have been quicker and less painful than this. Conner, meanwhile, shrugged.

"Acceptable either way. Do you have any STDs?"

"_Conner!_"

"Joking! Joking! Just a joke!" Conner assured her quickly as Emil's cheeks went red.

"_No_." He said even though he'd been excused from answering it.

"Excellent. Had a feeling that was the answer anyway."

"I wish I was recording this. I could make tapes and hand them out as a bulk Christmas present." Lois giggled.

"You're not funny." Tess had folded her arms on the countertop and set her head down on them.

"I'm _hilarious_."

"Conner," Emil said tightly, "As eager as I am to assure you that I have nothing but the best intentions towards your sister-"

"-slash aunt-"

"…Okay, but I would also like to retain a modicum of my dignity by the end of the questioning as well."

Conner steepled his fingers and nodded. "Okay then, we'll head straight into the final round: You have a lot of experience with science, yes?"

"Yes. Most doctors do."

"But also with technology as well as biology and chemistry."

"Yes."

"From what I've heard, you've also done some medical work on Mr. Jones."

"I have."

"Do you know a lot about aliens?"

Emil had to think about that one. "…I believe that I have more knowledge on some species of alien than most people do, knowing two members of such species closely, but I do not have a widespread knowledge of many alien species. In fact, I would imagine Clark and John have far more information on Kryptonians and Martians than they have related to me."

"You know that with my- _heritage_, I'm technically half Kryptonian." 'Heritage' was the mild way of putting it, but yes, Emil knew.

"I know that."

"That means I have super-strength, speed, hearing, etcetera."

"I know that too."

"That means I can hunt you down and snap you like a twig if you hurt Tess."

"_CONNER!_" That particular direction of conversation had come out of nowhere, and Emil had to say, that was probably the most surprised he'd been during the entire exchange. Though in retrospect, Emil knew maybe he should have seen it coming: While Conner was unquestionably screwing with him on a number of the questions he'd asked thus far, the general message was that he was looking out for Tess's best interests (whether she wanted him to or not).

And he could definitely understand that.

Emil looked Conner right in the eye. "I am aware of that."

Conner stared back harder than he had at any point in the conversation. "Are you?"

"I am. I've seen Clark in action. If your abilities are anything like his, I would imagine you could find and kill me quite quickly."

"I'd only do that if you ever did anything to hurt Tess."

"Conner, I _swear to God_-"

"And if I _did_ ever do anything to hurt her, I'd turn myself over to you immediately."

There was a moment of silence after that. Emil was one-hundred percent serious, and he knew his tone reinforced that. Tess looked surprised, mouth open slightly, eyes wide. Conner nodded slowly, a more pleasant smile crossing his face.

"Good answer."

"I meant every word of it."

"I can tell." Conner watched him for a moment, maybe wracking his brain for another inquiry, though Emil wasn't certain what else he could possibly be interested in knowing. Finally, Conner gave a satisfied nod, and he seemed much more relaxed than before. "Well, I think that's all."

"Really? You're sure you don't want to know my schedule so that you can stalk me across the city?" Emil asked dryly, and Conner smirked.

"Nope. I'm satisfied." And then, to Emil's continued surprise, Conner held out a hand. He shook it quickly, almost gratefully, and he heard Tess sigh with relief.

"Good to know. Lois, did we have any alcohol on hand?"

"Clark was going to pick some up after he helped Martha get the table cloth." The brunette said. There was some soot on her face, and she looked a little out of breath. "By the way, the salad isn't happening tonight. Long story."

"Has Clark left yet?" Tess asked, casting a wary eye to the sink. Emil still had no idea what they had been doing, and was starting to wonder if he even wanted to know.

"I'll check." He stood up and started for the staircase.

"Actually, before I forget, I did have one last question for you." Conner said, tone utterly congenial. Emil gave a small smile, and Tess chuckled and picked up a stack of plates, nerves soothed for now. After all, how bad could it be?

"Shoot."

"Did you or did you not deflower my sister-slash-aunt on her desk at the Daily Planet, on camera, while drunk?"

_SMASH_.

"_**CONNER KENT!**_"

-End


End file.
